One of the most popular posts on this blog is the one titled “So You’re Having a Baby. Congrats. Now Go Buy This.” It was basically a very long and long-winded list of know it all first time mom blatherings.
The comments are all very kind and agreeable. Which begs the question. Where are all the comments saying “Oh, first time mom. Young grasshopper. You have much to learn. Also? STFU.”
Because seriously? That list? Is stupid. If I had used it for this kid? I’d be up a creek.
Let me explain. I had a kid not even three years ago. His name is Colin, though you may know him as the Despot. He was quite the little dictator. Still is, actually. And he dictated things to us all day long. All night long. And I took notes. And then I shared those with my friend. And then I decided to publish those thoughts on my blog. I was a Mom Who Knew Things.
For instance, while we had a slew of cute little pacifiers, Colin would only accept the Soothie brand they gave him in the hospital. Ergo, my declaration that Soothies are the only pacifier worth pacifying. Don’t bother with any other pacifier. Go with the Soothie. Your child and my child are the same. You will thank me later.
Guess what? Jack? The Tiny Tyrant? Who shares my son’s genetics? Turns out, he prefers the Avent brand pacifier. You know, the ones we bought in bulk when Colin was born and ended up tossing in the trash when it became clear he wouldn’t take one. You know, the ones we don’t have in bulk now, because we took advantage of the sale Target was running on SOOTHIE PACIFIERS and bought out the entire rack like we were on an episode of Extreme Couponing. Christonacracker.
Speaking of Avent, we got that pacifier as part of the “Bottle Starter Package for Indecisive Second Time Parents Whose Bottle of Choice Has Been Discontinued.” That’s right: Our go to bottle, the one I touted as “The Bottle” has apparently been discontinued. So we found ourselves at the Target, all glassy eyed and slack jawed over bottles. It took two different trips to finally pull the trigger on a bottle. We chose the Avent because…..well, no reason really. Just because. It was there. I only bought one, so we could test it out first, and it worked. I guess that’s my new advice. If possible, buy only one bottle. Limit the damage.
Remember my little crack about how crappy Aden and Anais blankets are and how you only need them if you need to shield your child from the paparazzi? That was a cute joke. I still smile when I read that one. And remember how you only need a Miracle Blanket when swaddling your child? Because you will HAVE to, just absolutely HAVE TO swaddle your child because they become demonic and attack themselves when sleeping?
I lied. Again! I know!
I don’t swaddle Jack. Well, we did at first. With those “stupid” (actually not really at all) Aden and Anais blankets. They were awesome. Then we stopped. Laziness, I guess. We were tired. That was one more step standing between me and sweet, sweet sleep. That’s what happens with the second child, or so I hear. (“So I hear” will be my equivalent of the lawyerly “allegedly”) Anyway, I only tried swaddling again the other night again after noticing Jack’s horrible acne won’t go away. And then? I used a WOOMBIE! Not a Miracle Blanket! See? I have become a lying liar who lies. PS- The Woombie works too!
Oh, but before I put him in the Woombie? I bathed him. In a baby bath tub. Yup, the same item I told you you don’t need. Confession: I have a house now, so I have room for a baby tub to hang around and kick and swear at. So I got another one. And what did I use to bathe him? I got the super expensive California Baby soap. Why? Just cuz. I wanted to try it. And it makes him smell nice. I still use the Aveeno with Colin, but baby gets the $14 baby wash. Cuz I’m crazy. And a liar.
And just to top it all off? Jack loves the swing Colin hated. Jack hates the Baby Bjorn Colin loved. So instead of using the Ergo, we use a wrap. Yes, I WEAR MY BABY.
And folks? This is just the beginning. He’s only a month old….apparently, I’ve got a lot to learn.