The one where I think my child is a feral monkey

NOT a feral monkey. But close.

A few things happened this past week. I considered not sharing them with you all as they involve bodily functions and general child-rearing-ness, but I just can’t NOT share. One of you might be a scientist looking for a Nobel prize and my son may be the perfect subject. You never know in Blogland.

First and foremost, my child can exist without naps now. He went from 2 a days, to none a days. You know who’s got two thumbs and can’t exist without naps? This girl!  What’s the problem you ask? All the more time to play and have fun you say? I will kindly ask you to shut your pie hole from here on out. You are clearly not a parent and/or get to go to an actual job during the day. We stay at home parents NEED naps. You know how at work you get to take breaks and have lunch and not get smacked in the face or screamed at by your boss ‘cuz its illegal these days? Well, not so much for us stay at home warrior princesses. We can’t sue our bosses for hostile work environments and/or sexual harassment. We rely on a twice daily break of naps. And if not twice daily, then once daily for a long period of time. If not to soothe our bruises and aching heads, then to soothe our trashed egos. Naps not only fuel our little monsters, they produce something akin to a natural Xanax for most parents. That, and it’s time we get to do stuff by ourselves, like shower. Or at least slap on some deo so we aren’t stinking up the house.

For most children, naps start to taper off around the one year mark, so I’ve felt very lucky that at 16 months Colin was still tucking in for two naps. Most children his age are down to one long nap a day. Not so much for Colin. At the 17 month mark, boyfriend decided naps we sooo last month. Which means by 5:30pm he is screaming and overly tired. I’m tempted to put him to sleep (relax! not like that!), but then he will wake up at 5am the next morning. It becomes what we call in ParentLand a “Cycle.”  A very bad “cycle”.

For instance, if you put your child to bed at 5:30pm because you might off yourself otherwise, your child will most likely wake up at 5am. And said child will be tres stinky. You change child’s diaper and put him back down hoping for just an hour more of sleep. He wakes again at 6:45am. Fair enough. Let’s start the day. You bring child to kitchen, place him in highchair and give him a nice healthy(ish) breakfast.  After he has finished you pick him up from highchair and notice his one piece fleece jammies are soaked through, and he smells like feces.

You lay him down to change his diaper, and notice that things feel a little “light in the pants” so to speak. As you unzip his outfit, you are shocked to find your baby completely naked underneath. Not a diaper to be found.

“What the hell?!”

PANIC. You begin to wonder if you ever finished changing him at 5 in the morning. Yikes.

“Did I forget to put a diaper back on him?”

(Entirely possible.)

And then you find the diaper. All the way down his pant leg and on his FOOT. IN A ONE PIECE FOOTED PAJAMA.

It’s one of the great mysteries, folks. Like the Bermuda Triangle.

Two days later, Colin was fussing in his crib. I hadn’t yet accepted my fate, so I was determined for him to nap regardless of how long it took for him to go down. For the 10th time,  I went into his room to retrieve his pacifier/blanket/other blanket/stuffed dog/other stuffed dog/ stuffed monkey/ last pacifier to find my little angel BUTT NAKED. Now mind you, I had put him down for nap completely clothed. He had stripped down and the diaper was no exception. Eyes scanning the room, I notice:

Diaper on floor, empty.

Other “stuff” on floor. From diaper. Clearly thrown.

It was seriously EWWWW in there.  Poo shrapnel is the best way I can describe it. All I can say is thankjesus our cleaning person was due the next day.

Clearly, I wasn’t getting the message that Colin and Naps are more over than Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling SO GET OVER IT ALREADY KATE! When throwing poo doesn’t get through your thick mother’s skull, climbing out of the crib manages to get this point across crystal clear.

JESUSGODHELPMEICAN”TDOTHIS.

I have come to the conclusion that MY CHILD IS A FERAL MONKEY WHO THROWS POO AND CANNOT BE CONTAINED. And also, can  magically remove his diaper while in a one piece footed pajama set. A gifted monkey, but nonetheless feral.

In other news, Kase and I went out on Saturday night and I ran up quite the bar bill.

Edited to add: Kase texted me from work (busy much?) with all of my grammatical errors on this post. I (think) I fixed them. See? This is what happens when a certain *someone* forgoes a nap in order to become assistant blogger. You’re lucky this didn’t read, “01fjekwadsaghp’102ie[p[p][da]g”. Cuz it did for a minute there. 

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5 thoughts on “The one where I think my child is a feral monkey

  1. hahaha. My kid did the diaper off thing in a one piece too. I called it the houdini diaper trick. I had a separate poo incident too. I think he was about 11 months. It was a hot summer day and after his diaper change I put him down for a nap with no pants since it was so hot. LESSON LEARNED, the kid needs pants. I went up to get him when he woke up, I opened the door and the room smelled to high heaven. I thought ow big poo but when I turned the corner there was poo all over his pack-n-play . I being a dork ran to get the video to show my husband what happened ( I figured it couldn’t get much worse) While I was video taping him and noticing the diaper lying there clean with nothing in it (WTF!) and poo on his fingers and smeared on his face, he licked his lips!!! That is when the video ended.

    I was so disgusted and did not know where to begin the clean up. I got all the stuff covered in poo (sheets, stuffed animals, clothes, etc) into a laundry basket threw it in the hallway b/c said baby would’ve started to take everything out of the basket, undressed myself so I could get in the shower with him b/c a tub was not going to work here. I go into the hallway and the F’in dog has the sheets out of the basket and is licking them. OMG I really did not think it could get worse. Me and baby gt into the shower only to have him be able to reach the faucet and turned the dial to feezing cold water. Thus now I have a screaming baby covered in poo, with a freezing mommy trying to keep poo contained to an easy clean up area. I didn’t know what to do laugh or cry. 2 hours later I had everything clean.

    In short, I can relate to your feral monkey. Told ya we could be friends 🙂

    • Thank you for this Lesley. Obviously, I worry about my child being a feral monkey. I want him to be a productive member of society, not the crazy wierdo who flings goose poop at other children. But the good thing is, maybe your son will join him and then they won’t seem so weird. 😉

  2. I am dead. This story just killed me. I lol’d for like30 seconds straight (super schmart fast reader here). Thank jeeves we haven’t had any poop catastrophes yet unless you count the nuclear waste that protrudes from my son’s rear, but thankfully hasn’t made it’s way outside of the containment device. I fear the day that happens. Mostly because I’m a vommer. I will vom at the sight and/or smell of it. It’s why we don’t have a dog.

  3. I should not be up right now but, as usual, can’t sleep so I’m on my iPhone under the covers like a freak, cracking up… Wow, what I have to look forward to!

  4. Hahaha, this was THE MOST entertaining post ever. Hang in there! I definitely think you should go out to Neiman Marcus immediately and buy yourself that Marc Jacobs hobo as a little reward for having to clean up the poo shrapnel.

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