I suppose it is time to give you an update on my experiment known as
“This pooch has GOT to go” “FUPAs are so 2011” Paleo diet makes me want to die“How Do I Get Into Shape?”
First things first. Paleo was a huge bust. There’s a reason why Cavemen had to evolve. A lovely side effect of only eating meats, vegetables, eliminating dairy and all grains? The worst lethargy I have ever experienced in my life. And I’ve been pregnant. I’ve experienced the first trimester. I know lethargy. I know being tired. Imagine me falling asleep every time I wasn’t standing. For real. I have never been so sluggish or tired in my life. And that includes when I was getting about 25 minutes of sleep total nightly when Colin was a newborn. In fact, I longed for those days. Just the thought of getting up to get something to eat made me tired. That’s not right. Though, come to think of it, maybe that’s how you lose the weight? Regardless, you shouldn’t feel that way. And you certainly can’t feel that way when you have a kid running around wanting to like, interact and stuff. Throwing toys in his general direction from the couch isn’t exactly great parenting. Though they do it on Teen Mom, so I know I’m not alone. Maybe all the teen moms are on the Paleo diet. Though I’m gonna go on a limb and say I DOUBT IT. But I digress. Paleo had to go. It’s not for me. I need things. Like bread. Bread is magical.
I also started using our new treadmill and my Couch to 5K App. This has been the easiest part of trying to get back into shape. Do you know how often they re-run Teen Mom? Before you know it, an hour has flown by and you are up to date on Chelsea’s new hair color and Jenelle’s pot addiction. Sidenote: that chick needs to get it together. Which one? ALL OF THEM. As an added bonus, I feel like an amazing mom, even if I’ve spent the day sitting on the couch flipping through board books with my child because I could barely work up the energy to play with him properly. That’s more than a Teen Mom does. I’ve never seen a board book on that show. Not once. Clearly, I am a superior parent.
Now the deal with Couch to 5K for an out of shape fattie like me is that they start you off very easy. You start off running like 2 minute intervals with walking breaks. I’m currently on week 5, and now long for the days of 4 minute running intervals. Because those fools want me to run for 6 minutes straight. I suppose they want my next born, too! The saddest part? There was a time in my life when I ran a 6 minute mile. And thought my legs were too skinny. Who wants to kick that skinny girl’s shins with me?
Running for 6 minutes straight is hard, y’all. Especially when your pooch is all, “hold on! I’m right behind you!” There is nothing worse than a slow pooch. It’s timing is all off with my stride:
(Pooch jiggle….and so on. For 30 minutes.)
My pooch clearly needs to get its act together. We are running a 5.7 mile per hour pace, Pooch. This shouldn’t be so hard. Why is it so hard?
This week I added a workout video by Jackie Warner– Xtreme Timesaver Training. You remember Jackie from Bravo’s Workout, naturally. What do you mean Bravo isn’t on a loop at your house 24-7? I’m not weird. YOU’RE weird. Anyway, the workout is basically her answer to Jillian’s 30 Day Shred. I was getting sick of Jillian’s video since I can’t stand her background workout bitches with their inane smiling, so I’m ready to try something different. Switch it up. You know how it is. It’s not at all because I can’t progress past the first half of the second workout phase.
So far, I like it. It’s tough, but it’s good. It centers on weight training and doesn’t incorporate traditional cardio like Jillian’s, but I’ve got the cardio portion with the C25K, so I’m good there. Plus, her backup bitches aren’t too bad. They don’t smile like they are enjoying it and actually struggle with perfect form. They actually tell her they are imagining they are kicking her in the face. I can get behind that. Go workout bitches!
So that’s where things stand. I heard some rumors that Jackie uses speed and drugs and a tiny little eating disorder known as bulimia to get so ripped. Depending on how I look and feel in one week, I’ll be able to confirm or deny that rumor. That’s totally fair, right? Till then….
* A bit from New Girl. That’s a line from the most recent episode and just another reminder why I love that show. Also, Jake Johnson? Call me.