Did someone say Wood?

Don’t pretend like you don’t remember Uncle Joey and his beaver puppet. Cut. It. Out. Also, that whole thing sounded very dirty.

Anyway, someone did say wood. They said it a lot. Want proof?

Melissa & Doug? Educo? I rue the day I met you.

The Wooden Toy Lobby has somehow convinced the upwardly mobile American Yuppy Parent that its toys are better than plastic toys or even soup cans at teaching your child how to stack things and/or fit things into other things and/or how to identify a “Giraffe.” Now I can’t be sure,  but I think they’re in cahoots with the Anti- BPA lobby.

What I know for certain is: WOOD IS BETTER! THAT’S A FACT. PLASTIC TOYS WITH LIGHTS AND BATTERIES POISON YOUR CHILDREN! AND CAUSE SEIZURES AND MAKE YOU A BAD PARENT!

I know this because of the rule that states if something costs more, it is better. Like when you go out for dinner, you don’t get the cheapest glass of wine. It can’t be any good and probably came from a now defunct Virginian winery owned by a disgraced Real Househusband. Everyone knows only expensive wines taste good.

Okay, that’s not a good example. I always order the cheap wine. I drink to get drunk. These days, I’m a very cheap date. Call me, Tareq.

My point is everyone knows there is a direct correlation between the amount of money you spend on educational toys and other assorted child related sundries and the amount you love your child. Love can be quantified through economics. It’s the very basis of Valentine’s Day. And every major holiday. Including birthdays.

However, it would also seem there is a direct inverse correlation between the amount of money spent on a toy and the amount of time it remains in one’s possession.  The loud obnoxious (and most likely, BPA laden) toy you picked up at the CVS during a temper tantrum that sings “Old MacDonald” on repeat? It is never quite misplaced, no matter how hard you try. Magically, the batteries never die either. However, that $30 wooden block set you bought at the children’s boutique? Gone. Like the wind. All 50+ hand painted pieces. Sure, they may be under my couch but I refuse to look- there’s like, dirt and hairballs under there. Not to mention a mirror we haven’t found time to hang.

On a side note, Colin did a little experiment and we concluded that, when hurled at the head of his nearest caregiver (ME), wooden toys hurt more than plastic toys of the same size.  Considerably more. So you totally get your money’s worth in that regard. Quality hurts.

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