Sooo, I went shopping this weekend. That was a bummer.
Since the despot was born, and even slightly before, if I’m being honest (since I was working from home), my shopping trips consisted of this short circuit: Target, Loft, Target, Old Navy, Target, Gap. And repeat. What do all of these places have in common? They are cheap. And they all sell yoga pants. I’m not kidding. If I could live in yoga pants, I would.
And then I got to thinking, “Why Can’t I?!” I’m my own boss, damnit. I ain’t got no dress code. But I have to be honest. Wearing a five year old Old Navy sweatshirt with holes in it may be comfy, but it sure as hell ain’t cute. It has a certain vintage fading. And it didn’t come that way. And while I understand girls these days pay EXTRA for their clothes to look raggedy ass, it’s a whole different story when you know your clothes are just raggedy cuz they are OLD. Like you.
So while I felt sloppy and gross, I knew that the yoga pants were not going anywhere. Let’s not be rash. And if I’m being honest? I think I look a hell of a lot skinnier in my yoga pants than I do in my skinny jeans. And I like that they don’t slip down and show my crack all the time. Not only that, but I find that if I get in my workout clothes first thing after getting out of bed in the morning (sometimes, even, after taking a shower!), I have a 57% greater chance of getting on the treadmill before I head back to bed that night. Yup, 57%. I did the math. Don’t ask me how. Anyway, clearly, they are the winner.
Time to throw a little money at the problem, is what I say!
Let’s break it down, shall we? First up, we got my favorite workout pants, and these puppies won’t cost you a pretty penny. They are Old Navy Foldover yoga pants and they clock in at $19. Not much else to say. Oh, wait. The foldover band acts like a SPANX of sorts to tame my belly fat. And magically, my thighs don’t touch when I wear these. There.
To top them off, get yourself over to Victoria’s Secret, where I have discovered a day late and a dollar short that they carry the most comfortable pullover I have ever felt in my 30 years of life. The Half Zip Pullover. It was one of their only items of the Pink Line that wasn’t bedazzled. Color me shocked. When I checked out the tag, I was a little peeved. Do you *really* think I would pay $44.50 for a SWEATSHIRT, VICKY? REALLY?. Target has them for like $20. Get over yourself, skank. I said this all while I stroked the softest sweatshirt in the world and reasoned that the price per wear made it about $.006 cents. IN REALITY. And then I proceeded to maniacally throw every size small on the floor until I located a medium. Poor Kase was so excited to see that pink bag when I got home. Lord knows why. He shoulda known I’d pull out a sweatshirt and act as though I’d won the lottery. Who goes to Victoria’s Secret two weeks before Valentine’s Day and buys a sweatshirt? ME! THAT’S WHO!
Now, let’s drive to DSW, shall we? I got a version of these cute street sneaks a couple of summers ago when I was preggers, but they resemble these New Balance 442’s. So step out of the smelly Reeboks and put these on when you are heading out the door. Then it at least looks like you care. At least, that’s how I reason in my head. “Look! These aren’t *real* running sneakers! They’re cute! Which means I had to think about my outfit today, REGARDLESS OF HOW IT LOOKS!”
Okay folks. It’s about to get real.Real expensive. In my humble opinion, you can wear a trash bag for your outfit if you have a nice handbag to go with it. And this is the bag I want, people. Marc Jacobs Hillier Bag. True story: I spotted this bag on my new favorite sitcom, “Happy Endings”. And I promptly put it on my wish list. But seriously: a cross body type bag is a must for a mom who carries her son to and fro and is sick of losing her purse every time she picks him up.
And hey, maybe if my husband buys it for me, I’ll head back to Victoria’s Secret and NOT buy a sweatshirt. No promises, though. Let’s not get crazy.